Wm. Mark Simmons Horror Movie Survival Tips

2) If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, when you're supposed to be alone, don't follow the noises to see who your "guest" is. Leave! IMMEDIATELY!

3) Never pick up the phone and call for help, chances are your phone will be dead and the next thing you'll see is the monster swinging some sort of sharp object.

4) If a jerk starts harassing you on the phone: hang up. Star 69 is there for a reason. Use it, call the police, and get your rifle out of the gun cabinet.

5) Caller I.D. is cheap and affordable nowadays--especially when compared to funeral arrangements or lengthy hospital stays.

6) If you answer the phone and hear someone breathing heavily on the other end, never assume it is your boyfriend playing a trick on you. And never never, never, say "come on over, my parents are gone for the weekend."

7) If you ever come across the phone number of an organization designed to help with a particular sort of monster, write it down and put it in a safe place.

8) If you get a strange phone call, get out of the house. It's coming from below/above or the room next to you.

9) Don't bother to pick up the phone because invariably the line will be cut or dead, or there will be an evil voice coming from it. (If you are real unlucky, there will be something nasty protruding from the mouthpiece or earpiece.)

10) Don't call phone numbers that say EVIL or HELL or KILL or have any other sinister arrangement of letters/numbers in them.

11) If you answer the phone and somebody says "Have you checked the children" don't do it. Get out immediately and run for the police.

12) If you have a cell phone and can't get service in a particular area, remember: there is a reason that they're called "Dead Zones." Can you fear me now? Good!

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