PerSimmons:

Horror Movie Survival Tips

 

 

After you've acquainted yourself with THE BASICS, review the finer points, grouped by category below...

 

HOME, SWEAT HOME (No, it's not a typo)

 

BUILDINGS / REAL ESTATE

 

ITEMS

 

DOLLS

 

ANIMALS

 

KIDS! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS, TODAY?

 

PEOPLE

 

DEMONS AND DEVILS AND HELL, OH MY!

 

SEX

 

TRAVEL

 

SPLISH, SPLASH

 

MISCELLANY

 

THE BAD THING

 

SYNCHRONICITY

 

WEAPONS & STRATEGY

 

THE REALM OF GOD

 

FIRST AID

 

TELEPHONES: REACH OUT & "TOUCH" SOMEONE

 

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING

 

LOOSE ENDS

 

 

 

Travel

1) Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.

 

2) If you've hidden from the maniac / spirit / demon / creature and you are not found, DO NOT peek from or decide to leave your hiding place.  If you do decide to leave, CAREFULLY scan the ground for twigs before taking a single step.

 

3) If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice--more if you are of the female persuasion.

 

4) If your really must run screaming through the woods, remember to dress for it.  Jeans and sneakers always beat a filmy nightgown and high heels.

 

5) Even if you are running full tilt and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.  This is a speed / distance trade-off for the occasions when you will be chased by flying creatures or packs of four-legged animals such as dogs or wolves: creatures that would normally run a man to ground in a minute or less will take five to ten times as long in a horror movie.

 

6) Unless the maniac / spirit / demon / creature is directly in front of you, it is ALWAYS a bad idea to back into, out of any room, building, location.

 

7) Turning around in general is a bad idea, as the monster is usually waiting right there for you.

 

8) If your car runs out of gas at night, DO NOT go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.  Likewise, if your car has broken down, and the only refuge for miles is that creepy old mansion / castle on the hill, STAY in the car.  With the doors locked and the windows rolled up.

 

9) If your boyfriend gets out of the car to investigate a mysterious sound and after a little while you hear a scraping sound on the car roof, you may (a) STAY in the car with the doors locked and the windows rolled up or (b) put that baby in gear and burn rubber.  You MAY NOT (c) get out of the car to investigate.

 

10) If you've just finished running over the maniac / spirit / demon / creature with your car / truck / vehicle, KEEP GOING!  Most certainly DO NOT stop, get out, and go look to see if he / she / it is really dead.  (See "THE BASICS", Rule #2)  Drive to the nearest police station and ask them to check the undercarriage.

 

11) When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.

 

12) Keep your car windows rolled up at all times.

 

13) Stay on the Interstate.

 

14) If you try to run away, always take the bus.  If you take a car the monster will be in it.  Cabbies are always demonically possessed.  Monsters will destroy any plane / boat you try to take.  And you have to go through dark, underground stations to get on a subway.

 

15) If you're being chased by a monster and you think it's behind you, chances are it will appear in front of you (and if you're a girl, this will happen right after you trip and fall, and then stand up and look behind you).

 

16) If you find out that the last owner of the car you would like to buy died in it, do not buy the car!  If one of your friends buys the car, however, it's too late to save him; he'll be dead by the end of the picture.

 

17) If you try to open the car door, but had to go and get your keys because you forgot them, do not get into the car when you return if the doors are suddenly unlocked and the windows are steamy.  I mean, really!!!

 

18) Have you ever heard of the tip "Never take an elevator in an emergency"?  Well, consider your options well in ANY means of inner-building transportation in a horror movie.  (A) For elevators: Never go in an elevator without a main character, and NO MORE than one.  The occupancy should never exceed more than one panicked person.  Be prepared to brace yourself to meet the ground in a uncomfortable manner if alone.  If a computer is after you, avoid the elevator entirely.  Never sigh in relief once you are on board, this is like a siren saying "Here I am!  Here I am!  Kill me!!"  Glass elevators are even worse than regular models when it comes to this mode of transportation.  (B) For escalators: Never wear any loose clothing that can be caught in the moving metal stairs, or be prepared to know what it is like to go through a large, electric food processor.  Go up the easiest route, not against where the stairs are going.  (C) For stairs: Take a few aerobics classes if planning to climb steps in a tall building...otherwise plan on having a heart attack and seeing the monster loom over you before you die.  Oh, and close the door leading off of the stair well quietly so that it won't tell the villain where you went!  (D) General rules: The weight capacity signs should usually be followed.  Green slime dripping down the walls of anything do not indicate it is safe to enter.

 

19) If your car breaks down in the woods, take the time to walk the extra 5 miles into town.

 

20) If you decide to run from the monster / maniac / demon / thing WATCH where you're going! If you're running at breakneck speed through an unfamiliar area (city or backwoods) you're most probably going to end up trapped in a dead end, or run off a cliff, or fall in a pit or quicksand, or get hit by a car.  AND, if you keep looking behind you, all of the above becomes much more likely along with the chance that the monster will end up in front of you.  Looking back while you're running never pays off.

 

21) When you've knocked the killer down the steps and the only way out of the house is over his supposedly dead body, just use the window.

 

22) Run out the front door and not up the stairs.

 

23) Never walk or run while looking in any direction other than straight ahead.

 

24) If you think you're being stalked and you happen to have your cat with you, follow it's lead. If it starts to hiss or act scared, run for it.

 

25) Stick with the trained dog or cute kid. Neither will be killed and their instincts will generally steer you out of trouble.  You will be dead meat, however, if you are the kid's older sister's boyfriend.

 

26) Get a fly swatter and kill all of the insects in your house BEFORE using the teleportation pods.

 

27) When being chased, do not try to get out of the house by way of the dog-door.

 

28) When being chased by someone or something in a car (while you're on foot)...don't run down the middle of the street!

 

29) Look before you leap. Otherwise you might land in something nasty like a pool of maggots or sharp wire.

 

30) If you are being chased by the monster, for crying out loud, don't be stupid enough to stop at a pay phone and try and call someone for help!

 

31) Remember, the priest will NEVER make it to your domicile to relieve you of those pesky supernatural occurrences.  Whether by plane, train, auto, horse, donkey, bus, or afoot, he'll never ever make it to your doorstep alive (unless he's secretly in league with Satan).

 

32) Don't bother telling another character to "Stay in the car."  They won't anyway, and will end up saving you.

 

33) NEVER ever pick up hitchhikers on deserted rural roads, especially if you live in Texas.

 

34) Never walk backwards!

 

35) If you are traveling through a wasteland and the locals advise you to go no further that night, DON'T!

 

36) If you are in a car, the engine stalls, and a murderer is on the loose, you have a 99% chance of dying.

 

37) If you happen to run into a house with the monster behind you and lock the door, DON'T stay near the door!

 

38) Modern cars have no soul.  That's why only vintage makes and models seem to get possessed.  Always buy or drive a late model car.

 

39) Do not drive a car with an almost dead battery to a secluded farm for repairs.

 

40) Avoid any road or street where vehicles that drive themselves are seen.

 

41) If a slow-walking villain (who never runs) is chasing you outside, DON'T run into a house where you lose your advantage!  Stay outside and run down the middle of the street, not on the sidewalk next to the dark, shadowy bushes where he can jump out and get you!

 

42) Always make sure your car doors are locked before you get out to pump gas! If you don't, when you get back in, the killer will be in your back seat.

 

43) Know this, if you go off alone to get yourself a beer - you won't live long enough to drink it!

 

44) If a monster is following you never, never, ever, decide to run up stairs.  It only guarantees that the monster will catch up to you.

 

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