PerSimmons:

Horror Movie Survival Tips

 

 

After you've acquainted yourself with THE BASICS, review the finer points, grouped by category below...

 

HOME, SWEAT HOME (No, it's not a typo)

 

BUILDINGS / REAL ESTATE

 

ITEMS

 

DOLLS

 

ANIMALS

 

KIDS! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS, TODAY?

 

PEOPLE

 

DEMONS AND DEVILS AND HELL, OH MY!

 

SEX

 

TRAVEL

 

SPLISH, SPLASH

 

MISCELLANY

 

THE BAD THING

 

SYNCHRONICITY

 

WEAPONS & STRATEGY

 

THE REALM OF GOD

 

FIRST AID

 

TELEPHONES: REACH OUT & "TOUCH" SOMEONE

 

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING

 

LOOSE ENDS

 

 

Weapons & Strategy

 

1) If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don't despair.  Take this opportunity to replace them with weapons, such as chainsaws, harpoons, etc.

 

2) If you are using a gun to combat the all-consuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster.

 

2.a.) Unless your name is Ash, in which case, you'll never have to reload.

 

3) Never show-off your proficiency with firearms, martial arts, or any other form of self-defense.  When the killing starts, you'll get hit from behind.

 

4) In terms of weaponry and general equipment for fighting the monster, never rely on any tool much more complicated than a pointed stick.  Generators will inexplicably run out of fuel, just as the nasty space-vegetable climbs onto your jury rigged electrical grid.  Just when you've got the ghoul lined up in your sights, your gun will invariably jam.

 

5) A single monster can never be killed.  Multiple monsters can never be driven to extinction.  If possible, try to get one kind to go after the other.

 

6) When you fight a monster use fire, electricity or acid whenever possible.  Preferably use all of the above.  And an atom bomb.

 

7) ALL atomic weapons cause normal creatures to grow huge and carnivorous.  As do most chemical and bacterial weapons.

 

8) Always make "eye" shots whenever possible as all monsters ignore chest/limb attacks.  If you hit them in the eyes the monster will be blinded.  For a while.  If the creature even has any eyes to shoot at in the first place.

 

9) Always carry several guns and lots of hollow point bullets.  Shoot everything.  All the time.  Don't even wait.  (See: USMC Rules of Gunfighting)

 

10) If the monster is set on fire, it will not die but instead try and fight you while it is on fire, setting fire to your surroundings and providing an additional level of danger.

 

11) Your plan takes into account all possible situations...except for the one that actually occurs.

 

12) When you have actually gotten a monster down on the ground with your gun, immediately empty all your shots in the monster's head.

 

13) If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, blow up or otherwise physically obliterate the remaining tissue.

 

14) Whenever a strange weapon is presented (e.g. a harpoon gun, flare gun, can opener, etc.) TAKE IT!  If you don't, the monster will, and sooner or later the weapon WILL BE USED!  Better you should use it than the monster.

 

15) Make sure what you use to kill the nasty things is a poison, and not a stimulant of any kind.

 

16) If you're gonna go out, don't do it quietly.  Take out those annoying friends of yours with you.

 

17) Don't explode A-Bombs in the Arctic, South Sea atolls, or deep beneath the ocean.  These locations are thickly inhabited with survivors from the prehistoric past.  (Not to mention the blob, giant octopi, etc.)

 

18) Don't explode A-Bombs in the desert, which are full of many insect species just waiting for their chance to mutate into gigantic forms.  As a corollary, don't store sugar or picnic foods anywhere near a desert which has been the site of an A-Bomb test.

 

19) Don't explode A-Bombs near men or women. They may grow to gigantic size and battle casino signs in Las Vegas.

 

20) You will not be saved by the god Plutonium!

 

21) Never try to kill a monster the same way it was done before.  It will not only fail to be effective against the monster in the sequel but will most likely be turned against you.  (Monsters in sequels are students of the source materials.)

 

22) Cigarette lighters are always handy things to have on you.

 

23) If you dream of a serial killer, do not attempt to combat him in your dream.

 

24) If you manage to find an effective weapon, DO NOT throw it away after you use it.  You WILL need it later.

 

25) Never go mano-y-mano vs. any monster which lacks a discernible head or limbs, or can infect you with something.

 

26) Be resourceful.  Whoever came up with the idea of putting holy water in a water gun must have memorized every episode of "MacGyver".

 

27) If you think you just killed the monster, don't touch it.  This is the easiest way to die.  Always empty several rounds into it before assuming it is dead.

 

28) If you know that an alien creature bleeds ultra-corrosive slime, never fire a big-bore weapon point-blank at it's face.

 

29) If the first 10 gun blasts didn't do any good, there's a good chance the next 10 won't work either!

 

30) Never ever fire a gun at the maniac/alien/undesirable other if you have better choices.  If the firearm doesn't jam, it will only make the villain very angry at you.

 

31) Burn, shoot, or kick ANYTHING strange: "it" is NEVER cute, intelligent, friendly, or interesting if it has ever been dead.  In fact, it should still be that way.

 

32) Never devise a plan that makes sense:  it will invariably go wrong.  Do something completely random or even hopeless:  unless you're the main character, you're going to die anyway, so try something new.

 

33) If you accidentally kill the last surviving cast member with an axe, thinking he/she was the monster, get over it and get the axe back....you're still going to need it.

 

34) If you have a weapon, only use it if the monster isn't expecting it.  Otherwise the monster will just rip it out of your hands and bludgeon you with it.

 

35) If you are a coward, then you will be given one chance to redeem yourself; a test of bravery that is usually meant to save the main character, so you'll probably die but at least you'll die with honor.  If you fail this test, however, and run away like a headless chicken, then you will most definitely be killed anyway, and in some gruesome yet strangely appropriate way, as well.

 

36) Never ever try to take on the killer by yourself.  Always call for your backup.

 

37) Always do what you were planning to do; don't go along with some last minute plan the scientist, the cop, the mayor, the general, or your friend came up with.

 

38) Squirt all walking plants with a combination of sea water and Roundup.

 

39) If you stumble upon your dead friend, wife, husband that has a weapon lodged in their back pull it out and use it, don't cry about it and don't hesitate:  they would want you to live and you won't if you hesitate!

 

40) The less complicated your weapon is, the greater your chances of success.

 

41) Computer defense systems always fail.

 

42) The less equipped you are to survive the movie, the better.

 

43) If you're in a Horror Movie, keep an eye on the time!  The further into the movie you are, the more heavy and peculiar weapons you'll need to kill stuff.  This is even more true for sequels, so if you happen to spot a "2", "3" or higher number at the pretitles, search immediately for complicated high-power electrical appliances, large machinery or a BFG.

 

44) Never rely solely on your gun (no matter how many you have!)

 

45) Appeal to the villain's ego and get him to explain his master plan to you, since you're "dead anyway."  Prisoners subjected to the villain's monologuing have a much better survival ratio to those not on speaking terms.

 

46) Never drop your weapon!  Even when the last monster is dead this is a very unsound strategy.  And don't let the monster leave your sight for a moment.  It will take the opportunity when you avert your gaze to sit up and recover.

 

47) Become adept at averting your eyes.  Never look directly into anything that includes lights, boxes, mirrors, or creepy books.  Also never look into spooky people's eyes.

 

48) Never make fun of the monster and say what you would do to it if you saw it (tear his head off, kick his ass, tear his nuts off) because it will do just that to you.

 

49) If any supernatural entity grants you 3 or any number of wishes, be EXTREMELY specific.

 

50) After achieving a successful escape or reaching a safe haven, DO NOT gloat in victory over a monster, no matter how sure you are that it can't get you.

 

51) Shotguns, while sometimes ineffective at killing a monster, almost always work well at slowing it down.

 

52) If you befriend one monster to help you battle the other monsters, do not think that you can get by on monster power alone.  Without fail, he will be taken out before you can make use of the creature.  Be prepared to fight for yourself...and your life.

 

53) If your hand, or any other part of your body starts acting weird (tries to hit, cut, maim or kill you), do not hesitate to cut it right off.  Whenever possible, replace with a weapon.

 

54) On a stormy dark rainy night when your parents go out, never stay home alone.  Go over to a friend's house or invite friends over.  Remember to invite more than two friends.

 

55) Aim for the head!

 

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